Male Survivors Group

 Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse/Assault
​&
Healthy Sexual Development

There may appear to be a lot on this site about male survivors of sexual abuse/assault, but it is an issue I feel is worth a great deal of discussion. It is a topic not often spoken about so I will go into much more detail below for those interested. For clarification, I do not mean to exclude female survivors, but feel there is a vast expanse of information out there for them and far less for men, therefore the focus here is on male survivors.

 
Facts vs Myths
Fact: Boys and men can be sexually assaulted by men and women. The myth is that a heterosexual man should like any sexual experience with a woman. In fact, the myth goes on to say that if the woman is older, the boy must be a "real man" to have gotten her. This leads to great confusion when they are exploited by an older girl or woman. If the victim is a gay male, it is often suggested that they are a man and always like sex, no matter what. Sadly, male survivors often speak about these things while blaming themselves or feeling there is something wrong with them. The myths are very prevalent and must stop being touted as truths. Certainly no boy or man likes being manipulated, coerced and taken advantage of. Sexual experiences must be consensual and the age of consent in Texas is 14 (at the time of writing this), but even then there are many rules about what age the other person must be for true consent. With that in mind, then, a child under 14 cannot consent and thereby did not condone what happened to them. 

Myth: If a boy/man has an erection and/or orgasm, he enjoyed it. This is often the source of many problems for male survivors because they believe this to be true. The fact is that a person's body responds touch involuntarily, which it is made to do. Abusers will even use this to manipulate their victim making him believe his body is responding because he likes what is happening. It simply is not true. 

Myth: All boys who are abused will become perpetrators. This is categorically wrong! The fact is that very few boys who are abused will become abusers. While it is true that many who sexually abuse others have a history of abuse themselves, it is not an absolute that one becomes an abuser because they were abused. Growing up fearing that there is a "monster" inside you is a common fear for many male survivors and is a sources of a guilt and shame. Just as in those who have not been abuse, most people do not abuse children.

Myth: All sexual abuse is always terrifying and violent. While the abuse may not include threats and violence, the impact of abuse is always trauma. The truth is that the act of abuse can be groomed as fun and playful and can feel good to the victim. Grooming is how the child is taught be tolerate the abuse. The perpetrator may begin with fun behaviors, even being silly, but with sexual undertones. As the abuse progresses they may teach the child this is special fun times and because sexual stimulation feels good to the body, it can be reinforced as something good. The abuser may bring gifts or candy to groom the child as well. The child may really like the abuser and children often want to please people making the grooming that much easier. The child may then be taught how to keep the secret. This can happen through violence and threats, but just as frequently through guilt. The child may be told how sad the abuser would be if the fun stopped or that the abuser would get in trouble if the child told anyone. 

Masculinity and Sexuality 
Sexual abuse/assault is an intense betrayal of trust, boundaries, and safety. The impact for any person is significant and even more so when the perpetrator is someone known to the victim. The problems become many, very quickly and some are more unique to male survivors. Something we often teach boys is to take care of them selves, because that is what strong men do. That can lead to them not telling others what happened because they want to be strong and deal with it on their own. The fear of not being believed or feeling weak are significant factors in men not reporting the crime. This view of masculinity can also lead to stuffing of feelings and acting out in hyper-masculine ways to compensate for the feeling of masculinity being stolen or broken in some way.

Most perpetrators identify as heterosexual men, which is confusing to some. It is important to remember that sexual abuse/rape is not about sex, but is about abuse and manipulation. However, the boy is frequently left to believe that being abused by a man must mean that he is gay. In addition, if he is abused by a woman and didn't like it, then he must be gay. Some boys even believe there is something about them that attracted the abuser, somehow making the abuse their fault and believing that they must appear gay in some way to attract a man to molest them. When we remember sexual abuse is not about sex, it is easier to see that this is not about the child being sexual and "attracting" someone and it does not impact sexuality. The issue becomes less clear when we talk about sexual orientation as we do not have one clear understanding of sexual development and we have differing societal views on sexuality as well. Far too complicated to address here, thus the relevant piece being that the boy who is abused suffers in regard to sexual development. Whether it be him questioning his own sexuality or fear that others will find out about the abuse and label him as gay. The question of sexuality is a significant struggle of most male survivors and can lead to a need to prove their masculinity or manhood and potentially in unhealthy ways. 

Impact
In addition to sexuality, the impact of sexual abuse can touch nearly every aspect of life for male survivors and keep in mind, each person will respond in their own unique way. In the broad view, PTSD is a frequent and significant impact to the survivor. There can be fear of sex, sexual addition, self blame and judgement, shame, guilt, fear of others finding out and judging them, etc. Sadly, so many child victims of sexual abuse also blame themselves resulting in men isolating, self hatred, etc. The survivor may become overprotective and/or hyper-vigilant and fearful of others. Hostility, anger, dissociation, sleep disturbances, suicidal thoughts/attempts, drug and alcohol use/abuse, unhealthy relationships and poor boundaries can all be issues as well. This is certainly not a complete list of the impact of sexual abuse, but it is a good beginning to thoughts and further discussion.
​
Age-Appropriate Sex Play and Healthy Sexual Development
it is very common for children to experiment and explore with one another. Curiosity begin very early and seen in nearly every child. This should include children of about the same age, size, emotional and social states. They usually have some sort of established relationship from play dates or school and it is often fun and lighthearted. Children are not having sex, but exploring and giggling bout the experience. Remember, this is not sexual, so when they are discovered, they will respond by how the parent responds. An appropriate response would be and age-appropriate chat about their bodies and what is appropriate with nudity and healthy boundaries with our bodies. Children will then adhere to those boundaries, now understanding them, and will have a healthy sexual development, ideally. 

In children we see curiosity and exploration early on from birth to adolescence. Once a child discovers their genitals feel good, they may tend to touch them. When they older, but under about age 5, they likely will begin to ask questions and wonder about differences in genders and want to look to see what others have. These kinds of things could come up during toilet training or bathing. You would not see specific sexual knowledge or acts portrayed by children int his age range and they may not understand fully that sexual thing are not done or talked about loudly in public. The parent will teach healthy and clear boundaries and the child will begin to self-regulate behaviors. As the child ages from 6 to around 8, they will experience sex play/exploration with other children and will continue self-stimulation. Parents/Caregivers should talk about human sexual development, relationships and some about puberty as well. But you should still not see specific sexual knowledge, sexual behaviors like those of adults or interest in pornography. After age 8 through pre-teen you will begin to see sexual interest bud and hormones change. You will notice the child's influence widens beyond parents and includes friends and media now. You may notice interest in relationships and sexual behaviors and continue self-stimulation. The teen years will likely bring much more advanced sexual discussions and experiences. You will see deepening in relationships and sexual desires. Children in their teens will need to learn about choices and consequences, sexual customs and values. They will experience puberty and massive changes in their bodies. Ideally, parents talk to them and prepare them for those changes and what is happening. And for many, these teen years will also include a child's first experience of intercourse. Though certainly, the age can vary widely for first sexual experiences of intercourse. Concerns in this age would be public sexual displays and interest in children much younger than themselves. Certain over-interest in pornography or extreme sexual behaviors would also be a point for concern. 

There are many places in sexual development that can generate difficulties, such as gender identity, sexual orientation, religion and such. Therefore, it becomes critical that parents communicate healthy ideas about sex and sexuality. Fears and traumas can be passed down in worry, shame and guilt imposed on a child from a parent who has healing to do around their own sexuality. After our teen years and through adulthood, sexual desires and interests vary widely and there are many things two fully consenting adults can enjoy. Consent is always the key! 

Summary
It seems impossible that such a crime can happen, yet it impacts the lives of so many. With statistics reporting around 1 in 10 or 1 in 6 boys being sexually abused in their lifetime, it seems like a big number. The sad news is that the reported statistics nearly always clarify that the numbers are likely much higher due to the large number of cases that go unreported. Teaching our boys to speak out if someone is hurting them is critical as is eliminating the myths that surround boys, masculinity and sexuality. We must stop the silence, thereby stopping the shame and guilt. Our boys need to trust that they will be heard, believed, supported and protected if they do tell someone. 

If you have experienced any sort of sexual abuse or trauma and have not sought professional support, I highly encourage you to begin your path to healing today! I'm happy to help with individual counseling and we can talk about our Male Survivors Group. I'm also happy to provide referrals as well. No matter your path from here, know that what happened to you was not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not bad!